Tuesday, 7 February 2012

The Roly Poly Kid!

Tonight I got to thinking, what was the first and greatest achievement I could remember. I really had to scan my mind and was more than a little disappointed as I reflected back that I was struggling to remember anything as a child that I felt a real sense of pride and achievement in and then it came to me! "Roly Poly!". No I'm not talking about the jam filled suet pudding! My earliest memory of an achievement that I was genuinely proud of, something I had done all by myself was a gymnastic forward roll! I can remember trying so hard when I was about 5 or 6 to tuck my head really tightly into my knees and push off with my feet whilst catapulting myself headlong with some kind of forward motion. I remember that I would always veer off to the left all the time and collide with some big beige or brown clumsy piece of 70's furniture, amassing purple bruises and lumpy bumps that only made me all the more determined to be as good as Fiona Gallagher (princess of my class and not oldest child from Shameless - grrr!). I was so frustrated and annoyed that I couldn't get it right and I was trying so hard! If I could just go forward. I just needed to go over in one perfect circle, that was it. Just once. 

I rolled and I polled all off my mum's bed smacking the floor with my legs, head, shoulder, every time until one day my roll went perfectly forward!!! "I did it. I did it. I did it.!!!". I was overjoyed! Yep! So I did it again, just to make sure. I knew I'd nailed it because it got easier. I did it again and again all around the house. I was the roly poly master! I'd never been so happy or so pleased with myself to the point I couldn't wait to tuck my vest into my knickers and get to my next P.E class. I stood at the front of the line (even aged 5 I never did queues) and took my position.

Toes on the edge of the scratchy green cotton covered gym mat, arms raised above my head in starting pose, then bend, tuck in, roll, bungle back onto my feet, arms straight, stand straight like gold medalist (6.0, 6.0, 6.0) and take my bow. In my head the crowd were cheering. My first triumph over my fear, through the bruises and the frustrating doubt to achieve my goal. My first goal, a perfect forward roll :-).

The thing is that was a looong time ago!!!

I'm at the point in my life now where I've set myself new goals, new forward rolls and I realise nothing's changed. Whether you're 5 or 40 when you want something, when you are determined to achieve something. When every cell in your body bursts into life at the thought of achieving your dream because all you can see is your self taking a bow and hearing the rapturous applause of your heart, there is NOTHING you won't do to immerse yourself in your desire. No thing can stop you when you are absolutely crystal clear in your heart and mind about what you truly deserve and it's all you can see, sense and feel in every aspect of your being. When you are that passionate about what you want in your life there is nothing you can not do. 

But I realised that for a BIG part of my life I never really had a goal. I never felt a true sense of purpose, a sense of direction, a sense of being, that I was worthy of anything more than I had. I didn't want anything, not because I was satisfied or that I didn't have dreams or ambitions but because I'd learnt to be afraid. I'd learnt not to try. Somewhere along the way I had learned that bruises take a long to heal so therefore, it was easier to avoid getting them by not trying to achieve anything. I put away my child like dreams because I'd lost the fearless determination and imagination that had conjured up my wildest fantasies and thoughts. The magic of pure self belief that I had when I was a child had been lost along the way to becoming part of "life". How tragic. How totally sad to lose something so precious, so beautiful, so innocent and so true: my sense of self. Where did I lose it? When did I lose it? How did I lose it? Who taught me not to believe that I could achieve anything I set my heart to? Why had I chosen to believe it? Somewhere along the way, my thinking had become flawed and bogged down twisted by life. Life had gotten in the way of living and I'd accepted the limitations that had been thrust upon me that I had assimilated into like my mother before me and her mother before her.

But the truth is the sky may be the limit but MY limit is NOT the sky!


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