Tuesday, 21 February 2012
Having a big clear out, I found some notes, letters and poems that I'd written to and about an ex I THOUGHT I was in Love with. It was weird reading them! At the time I was so convinced in my head that it was Love that I was feeling. I told my heart that I Love this man! My poor heart knew the truth but didn't stand a chance against such mental illness!!! My Ego and my mind told my entire being that I was in Love and I went blindly along with it. The mental torture, the crippling pain in my chest that had me curled up in bed in floods of tears, the self destruction, the waiting by the phone that never rang, the dates that never happened, the disrespect, the abandonment, the infinite sadness and the loneliness that came with being in the relationship because someone was better than no one and this was Love right? I know it's Love because only Love can hurt sooo much right? That's what the songs say, that's what the movies show, that's what I've learnt. This hell is heaven, this hell is Love! It's Love Jenna-Lee! It's Love!
This daily agony that I'm smiling through is the fire of Love, I know it is! I'll just have another glass of wine and a cigarette to take the edge off. Thank you Kleenex for being here!
I'm so in Love.
If it wasn't for X, Y and Z I could be HAPPY!! If he just did A, B and C he could work his shit out, if I suppressed L, M and N deep inside he'd trust me more. If I stopped being me and and if we promised to change E, F and G about ourselves everything would work out Disney style. YAY!
I was prepared to rearrange the entire alphabet to accommodate this doomed, incompatible relationship into my life to prove to the world, myself and him that I Loved him, that I wasn't a romantic disaster zone. I could do it!!! Happy ever after with this man was my birthright. I will make it work!
It was crazy!
What was I thinking?
Where was my integrity, honesty, truth? Where was my Heart in all of this? On vacation or just held hostage by my Ego's insanity?
"I need him!" I cried into another glass of Sauvignon Blanc. "No Jenna you actually NEED air, water and shelter" said my higher self but I quickly hog tied that bitch up and locked her in the cellar of my mind.
Had my self esteem been soooo low? Had I honestly felt so little Love for myself that I was prepared to force a square peg through a round hole just to feel a part of something that ultimately only I could truly fulfill in myself? Was I so afraid that I was not worthy of Unconditional Love that I was willing to settle for something so far from the letter L to even begin to call it Love was a joke!
It's amazing what we are willing to settle for, what we are willing to put up with in the name of Love. We con ourselves into believing that another person completes us or another person will change for us because we wish it to be so "If you Love me you'd do this...!" Why won't you behave the way I want you to? Why are you treating me so badly? Why don't you care? Why are YOU being YOU! So many why's! Your focus is entirely on them when really Love is bliss! Love doesn't ask questions or make demands. Love accepts and accommodates another person WITHOUT compromising you at the same time! If you have to force, wish or hope for Love to conform then my friends it is not Unconditional Love and I have the burning letters to prove it!
Tuesday, 7 February 2012
I rolled and I polled all off my mum's bed smacking the floor with my legs, head, shoulder, every time until one day my roll went perfectly forward!!! "I did it. I did it. I did it.!!!". I was overjoyed! Yep! So I did it again, just to make sure. I knew I'd nailed it because it got easier. I did it again and again all around the house. I was the roly poly master! I'd never been so happy or so pleased with myself to the point I couldn't wait to tuck my vest into my knickers and get to my next P.E class. I stood at the front of the line (even aged 5 I never did queues) and took my position.
Toes on the edge of the scratchy green cotton covered gym mat, arms raised above my head in starting pose, then bend, tuck in, roll, bungle back onto my feet, arms straight, stand straight like gold medalist (6.0, 6.0, 6.0) and take my bow. In my head the crowd were cheering. My first triumph over my fear, through the bruises and the frustrating doubt to achieve my goal. My first goal, a perfect forward roll :-).
The thing is that was a looong time ago!!!
I'm at the point in my life now where I've set myself new goals, new forward rolls and I realise nothing's changed. Whether you're 5 or 40 when you want something, when you are determined to achieve something. When every cell in your body bursts into life at the thought of achieving your dream because all you can see is your self taking a bow and hearing the rapturous applause of your heart, there is NOTHING you won't do to immerse yourself in your desire. No thing can stop you when you are absolutely crystal clear in your heart and mind about what you truly deserve and it's all you can see, sense and feel in every aspect of your being. When you are that passionate about what you want in your life there is nothing you can not do.
But I realised that for a BIG part of my life I never really had a goal. I never felt a true sense of purpose, a sense of direction, a sense of being, that I was worthy of anything more than I had. I didn't want anything, not because I was satisfied or that I didn't have dreams or ambitions but because I'd learnt to be afraid. I'd learnt not to try. Somewhere along the way I had learned that bruises take a long to heal so therefore, it was easier to avoid getting them by not trying to achieve anything. I put away my child like dreams because I'd lost the fearless determination and imagination that had conjured up my wildest fantasies and thoughts. The magic of pure self belief that I had when I was a child had been lost along the way to becoming part of "life". How tragic. How totally sad to lose something so precious, so beautiful, so innocent and so true: my sense of self. Where did I lose it? When did I lose it? How did I lose it? Who taught me not to believe that I could achieve anything I set my heart to? Why had I chosen to believe it? Somewhere along the way, my thinking had become flawed and bogged down twisted by life. Life had gotten in the way of living and I'd accepted the limitations that had been thrust upon me that I had assimilated into like my mother before me and her mother before her.
But the truth is the sky may be the limit but MY limit is NOT the sky!