Monday, 31 October 2011

A Twist in my Sobriety!

How ironic and appropriate that it's Halloween and I'm facing my demons!!! LOL!

I have a research report to write. It's actually due in two weeks time. Naturally, I'd rather be eating cake! Initially I was excited about it but then this weekend after making the time to start it, I procrastinated and found 101 "other" things that needed my immediate attention. I justified wasting my Saturday by telling myself that I'd earned the chance to relax. Yes, even I knew this was a blatant lie but it's what I wanted to hear so I reinforced the untruth with biscuits and mochachinos! But the restlessness kept growing and I couldn't concentrate on my arch nemesis television. I was feeling ratty and irritable and by 2am the energy discord I had created had exhausted me and driven me to drag myself to bed!

Sunday I resolved to face the challenge of my report again! I woke up feeling refreshed and ready to start the day, I meditated for 2 hours, took a long hot shower singing away, I got dressed and felt fantastic!!!

I got down stairs and shied away from my books and workspace. I spent the day avoiding my project AGAIN! This time by bedtime and having wrestled with my demons considering maybe I need a glass of wine or a cigarette (I stopped drinking and smoking a while back) my inability to write my report had created a genuine feeling of nausea, discomfort and ill temper. I was rebelling against my higher self and losing. I felt awful!

What the hell was going on?

Psychology is my passion, understanding the processes of my own mind and challenging the negative thoughts in the minds of others is what I Love. Why then am I blocking myself from writing my report and showing the world that I am a scientist!??? That I DO understand the scientific principles of my discipline.

This morning I woke up with a heavy heart regarding what is a very simple piece of research to report on. Why am I not happy?

The answer as always came in my moments of stillness when through deep breathing and meditation, I quietened down all the noise associated with my thinking and asked myself to tell me why I was generating blocks to my work.

That pure loving little voice deep inside that very rarely gets to be heard above the banging racket of fear, judgement, panic, anger, insecurity and self doubt spoke up!

I'm not afraid of writing my report, hell no! I can produce an outstanding piece of work and I KNOW it! I'm not afraid that I don't understand the computer programme required to generate my statistics or the background papers I have to read and digest before putting pen to paper. HELL NO! I'm not afraid of the work, I'm afraid of the OUTCOME!

What happens after I produce a really good report? 

I'll TRULY have to acknowledge to myself that I am capable of changing how people see their world, that I really do have a gift that helps others to see their potential for their own greatness and encourages them to stand in their glory. There's a part of me that's terrified that I can't do it. That the responsibility to change the lives of others is too great. That I am a fake! That I am out of my league and where will it lead? What happens if I am as good as other people tell me I am that I know I am? What then? What happens when I finally start to change my own world in a way I only dreamed about? What happens when everything my heart desires manifests through little effort because I have aligned myself with my life's purpose? What then? 

The RESPONSIBILITY!!! I'll have to be more mindful of what I do, what I say, how I act. I'd have to put my money where my mouth is and BE the example of the inner peace and happiness I know and Love so much. Oh Shit! I can't do this!!!

That was the fear at the heart of my procrastination, I wasn't afraid that I couldn't write the report!!! HELL NO! I was afraid that I could, that I would and that because I know in my heart that I'm on the right path I'd continue to grow in my own truth. 

I wasn't afraid of failure! I was afraid of success!!! My own success. My own potential to do good things on a larger scale. I am a confident, happy individual full of Love and life but deep down inside there remains a wound unhealed, that of an insecure child, unsure, full of self doubt and wracked with conflicting emotions. Wanting to do good things but not knowing how. A child desperate for someone to tell her "There's nothing to fear, you ARE good enough.". 

I am responsible for my inner child. I am the only human being who can heal the wounds of insecurity that lie at the deepest and darkest depths of my being. For me there is only one elixir that can heal the self doubt that binds me to waste time and self sabotage. Love. That's all I can do to help myself. So today I gently nurse my insecurities by changing my mind. I accept the challenge of my future, I embrace it because it's mine.It was meant for me and in my soul I know it's right and that I won't let me down. 

Faith in a Consciousness bigger and greater than mine calms and strengthens me because in the mind of the God of my understanding we are all perfect and in perfection there is no failure :-).

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