Having a big clear out, I found some notes, letters and poems that I'd written to and about an ex I THOUGHT I was in Love with. It was weird reading them! At the time I was so convinced in my head that it was Love that I was feeling. I told my heart that I Love this man! My poor heart knew the truth but didn't stand a chance against such mental illness!!! My Ego and my mind told my entire being that I was in Love and I went blindly along with it. The mental torture, the crippling pain in my chest that had me curled up in bed in floods of tears, the self destruction, the waiting by the phone that never rang, the dates that never happened, the disrespect, the abandonment, the infinite sadness and the loneliness that came with being in the relationship because someone was better than no one and this was Love right? I know it's Love because only Love can hurt sooo much right? That's what the songs say, that's what the movies show, that's what I've learnt. This hell is heaven, this hell is Love! It's Love Jenna-Lee! It's Love!
This daily agony that I'm smiling through is the fire of Love, I know it is! I'll just have another glass of wine and a cigarette to take the edge off. Thank you Kleenex for being here!
I'm so in Love.
BUT
If it wasn't for X, Y and Z I could be HAPPY!! If he just did A, B and C he could work his shit out, if I suppressed L, M and N deep inside he'd trust me more. If I stopped being me and and if we promised to change E, F and G about ourselves everything would work out Disney style. YAY!
I was prepared to rearrange the entire alphabet to accommodate this doomed, incompatible relationship into my life to prove to the world, myself and him that I Loved him, that I wasn't a romantic disaster zone. I could do it!!! Happy ever after with this man was my birthright. I will make it work!
It was crazy!
What was I thinking?
Where was my integrity, honesty, truth? Where was my Heart in all of this? On vacation or just held hostage by my Ego's insanity?
"I need him!" I cried into another glass of Sauvignon Blanc. "No Jenna you actually NEED air, water and shelter" said my higher self but I quickly hog tied that bitch up and locked her in the cellar of my mind.
Had my self esteem been soooo low? Had I honestly felt so little Love for myself that I was prepared to force a square peg through a round hole just to feel a part of something that ultimately only I could truly fulfill in myself? Was I so afraid that I was not worthy of Unconditional Love that I was willing to settle for something so far from the letter L to even begin to call it Love was a joke!
It's amazing what we are willing to settle for, what we are willing to put up with in the name of Love. We con ourselves into believing that another person completes us or another person will change for us because we wish it to be so "If you Love me you'd do this...!" Why won't you behave the way I want you to? Why are you treating me so badly? Why don't you care? Why are YOU being YOU! So many why's! Your focus is entirely on them when really Love is bliss! Love doesn't ask questions or make demands. Love accepts and accommodates another person WITHOUT compromising you at the same time! If you have to force, wish or hope for Love to conform then my friends it is not Unconditional Love and I have the burning letters to prove it!
I was inspired to write this post after wandering around a page on Facebook and reading a conversation between two men that reminded me of a trip to our local city farm.
It always fascinates me how people can behave like sheep or shepherds when it comes to their lives. Shepherds have a place to go a direction that leads to new pastures. They are aware of their environment and work in harmony with everything around them to get to new fields in life that offer new opportunities and fresh chances. The pastures may not be greener but they are new and shepherds seek them out.
Sheep are different!
Sheep blindly follow other sheep gorging on the grass when they are told it is safe to do so by other sheep. They bleat mindlessly and complain in frustration when they run out of pasture or have to face a fence! They get helplessly stuck in ditches and can not free their minds to get out again. They perceive their situation as not of their making. They don't understand what they did to be there. It wasn't their fault after all. They didn't do ANYTHING! They followed the other sheep. They were powerless and didn't know that responsibility for their lives lay with them so they blame every other living creature in the paddock for their misfortune and continue to bleat.
Shepherds keep moving forward regardless. When the rain falls on them they put their heads down, dig in against the wind and keep walking till the sun re emerges and with thanks they lift their heads and shake the water from their hair. Shepherds may return to old pastures in order to reset their compasses but they do not stay long. The pasture is different because their travels have made THEM different. Nothing stays the same even when you go backwards. Sheep look down and see dry earth and bleat "Some sheep has eaten all MY grass. It's not fair. I don't deserve this situation. I can't do anything about it. WHY ME?". They do not move. They do not try. They can not see a positive resolution or an opportunity to learn from their experience. They stand in their own mess and bleat. Sheep are always surrounded by other sheep. Shepherds can find peace in their own counsel.
The irony is most sheep think they're horses!
Horses, similar to sheep and humans are herd animals, however, there's a HUGE difference between a horse and a sheep and how they appear to live their lives!
Horses are big and strong, they are intelligent, respected and work hard. They are capable of travelling long distances without complaining in order to survive and sustain themselves. They are sociable animals who live in co-operative herds that survive throught mutual understanding. They do not provoke trouble but will fight to defend their young.
Wild horses roam free and proud and hold their heads up to the sun. Sheep on the other hand are farm animals, domesticated and compliant, manipulated and easy to control. They are not wild or free. They are not expected to think for themselves, they follow. Subsequently they are seen as food or clothing because they never challenge anything. They never try to live up to their potential. They bleat in repetitive mono syllables in their pens in an attempt to gain the sympathy of other livestock. It is easier not to try and escape and instead be lead by a dog who inevitably turns around and bites them. Such is the nature of a sheep.
However, it is wrong of me to judge sheep so harshly. They are creations of their environment. How can they be expected to be anything more than sheep when they are penned in and never encouraged to express themselves. I'm convinced that deep down inside we are all born with the heart of a Shepherd and the free unbroken spirit of a Horse.
:-)
