Today I posted the following question on my Facebook page: "Who is the most important person in your life that you communicate with?" and I was grateful to receive some wonderful responses. All of them fell into 4 categories - spouse, children, friends and parents.
My response is slightly different!
The people you communicate with externally are indeed very very important people. However of all the communication dynamics in the world, the most important communication you have is with your self because it is this the conversation that determines how you feel about your life. As parents we are often made to feel an obligation that our children are more important than we are but a parent who does not think Loving thoughts about who they are will invariable not set the example that self care is important to self esteem. Loving our children and lavishing attention on them is wonderful but our attitude, body language, facial expressions, words and tone of voice will demonstrate how you really feel. Children are extremely intuitive. They know when words don't match feeling just by instinct. Children learn how to feel about themselves by watching how their parents feel about themselves. This is why it is vital to demonstrate positive self regard so that our children can learn it directly from us because they see it in action.
Conversely in our relationships on a deep intuitive level we are attracted or repelled to particular people based on their disposition. Think about people you know who when they walk into a room light it up straight away without saying a word and conversely the people that you pray never talk to you because their inherent negative dialogue drains your energies and leaves you feeling like lead. These are all demonstrations of dynamics that our created based on what is going on inside us.
Your relationship with yourself indicates exactly how you then interact with other people and how conditionally/unconditionally you express the Love that you feel that resides inside. It is possible to Love someone in your heart but condition that Love by being negative in your thoughts, deed and actions.
Like putting on an oxygen mask on an plane when you take care of your own needs first you are then able to take care of the needs of those you Love because you do not need validation about who you are from outside of yourself. You become the keeper of your own worth. You radiate an inner peace. Whether you like it or not, your life is a direct reflection of the story you tell your self. It is the living dramatisation of the script you read internally and hand out to others.
The dialogue of your internal conversations is non verbal it is based on your self perception which determines your attitude. You may well think you're a positive and congenial person but if you're actual attitude is perceived as morose and disagreeable because of the things you say which are in fact a reflection of your own self beliefs, you will do more harm not only to yourself in terms of how others relate to you but to the emotional well being of others.
We are whatever we tell ourselves we are so choose your thoughts about yourself wisely and take the time to look after your own emotional needs. Be brave enough to ask the people who Love and care about you for honest reflections about the way you treat your self. If what you think is your behaviour and how you are being treated do not match up then feedback is vital. Ask for any additional support you may need.
You don't need a magic mirror to have a Loving conversation with yourself. It starts by just appreciating who you are and complimenting yourself on the things you can do. Focusing on negativity is not the way to improve the communications!
Nurturing internal conversations are the path to emotional balance and psychological well being. So celebrate what's wonderful about yourself by constructively sharing your insights with yourself (inbox me for a really simple practice). This is not selfish, narcissistic arrogant behaviour. Hell no! Being complementary about yourself to yourself by practicing positive Emotional Self Literacy is the habit of demonstrating the art of Loving Self Care and the fact that you are alive today means that you have earned the right to be unbelievably nice to you!
Now answer me this "What makes you so Lovable?". Simply repeat the answer to yourself every single day.
Lots of Love.
:-)
Having a big clear out, I found some notes, letters and poems that I'd written to and about an ex I THOUGHT I was in Love with. It was weird reading them! At the time I was so convinced in my head that it was Love that I was feeling. I told my heart that I Love this man! My poor heart knew the truth but didn't stand a chance against such mental illness!!! My Ego and my mind told my entire being that I was in Love and I went blindly along with it. The mental torture, the crippling pain in my chest that had me curled up in bed in floods of tears, the self destruction, the waiting by the phone that never rang, the dates that never happened, the disrespect, the abandonment, the infinite sadness and the loneliness that came with being in the relationship because someone was better than no one and this was Love right? I know it's Love because only Love can hurt sooo much right? That's what the songs say, that's what the movies show, that's what I've learnt. This hell is heaven, this hell is Love! It's Love Jenna-Lee! It's Love!
This daily agony that I'm smiling through is the fire of Love, I know it is! I'll just have another glass of wine and a cigarette to take the edge off. Thank you Kleenex for being here!
I'm so in Love.
BUT
If it wasn't for X, Y and Z I could be HAPPY!! If he just did A, B and C he could work his shit out, if I suppressed L, M and N deep inside he'd trust me more. If I stopped being me and and if we promised to change E, F and G about ourselves everything would work out Disney style. YAY!
I was prepared to rearrange the entire alphabet to accommodate this doomed, incompatible relationship into my life to prove to the world, myself and him that I Loved him, that I wasn't a romantic disaster zone. I could do it!!! Happy ever after with this man was my birthright. I will make it work!
It was crazy!
What was I thinking?
Where was my integrity, honesty, truth? Where was my Heart in all of this? On vacation or just held hostage by my Ego's insanity?
"I need him!" I cried into another glass of Sauvignon Blanc. "No Jenna you actually NEED air, water and shelter" said my higher self but I quickly hog tied that bitch up and locked her in the cellar of my mind.
Had my self esteem been soooo low? Had I honestly felt so little Love for myself that I was prepared to force a square peg through a round hole just to feel a part of something that ultimately only I could truly fulfill in myself? Was I so afraid that I was not worthy of Unconditional Love that I was willing to settle for something so far from the letter L to even begin to call it Love was a joke!
It's amazing what we are willing to settle for, what we are willing to put up with in the name of Love. We con ourselves into believing that another person completes us or another person will change for us because we wish it to be so "If you Love me you'd do this...!" Why won't you behave the way I want you to? Why are you treating me so badly? Why don't you care? Why are YOU being YOU! So many why's! Your focus is entirely on them when really Love is bliss! Love doesn't ask questions or make demands. Love accepts and accommodates another person WITHOUT compromising you at the same time! If you have to force, wish or hope for Love to conform then my friends it is not Unconditional Love and I have the burning letters to prove it!
I wrote this note for and to someone very very dear to me. Initially it was my way of offering suppor and encouragement in the best way I know, through words. However, the more I wrote the more I realised, these were not just words they were more than that. They were a cathartic acknowledgement on my part to my own heart that I myself had finally healed from wounds that I had received in my own battles for and against Love.
I hope others whose hearts are breaking are helped and touched in a meaningful way :-)
You CAN NOT make someone Love you and you should not want to either!!! Love can not be forced otherwise it is NOT Love, it is OBLIGATION. If someone does not, can not or will not Love you unconditionally and of their own FREE WILL then you have to turn ot the one person who CAN give you the Love you DESERVE. That person is YOU!
No human can, will or is capable of Loving you more than you are capable of Loving yourself. Unrequited Love is painful, we crash and we burn it its flames. There is carnage and injuries! But then like a phoenix we are reborn into a new life, a new purpose and a new direction. We find what was lost. We find ourselves. We find a greater existence and we begin the GREATEST Love affair of our Lives, with ourselves.
No Love is more amazing than this!
And then as time brings healing and time brings Peace and as the tears start to dry and we being to breathe again, our perspective changes, our eyes open and we see ourselves and the one who hurt us in a new light. We find strength in Forgiveness and Grace makes a home in our heart. The past no longer touches us and there is Peace. It will happen. I promise :-).
YOU ARE AMAZING.
You have sooo much potential to shape and change the world.around you for the better. You are an advocate for those who have no voice, you ARE an Earth Angel. Do not forget this.
This time right now will pass.
You are Loved more than words can say and you are precious in my eyes.
I Love you Lots and Lots. xxx
